Bum Sums: Concession Stand-ings

Concession Stand-ings

This week Aidan and I wanted to collaborate on something special revolving around our love for movies…something connected to that experience of going to the theater and watching a new story for the first time.

There is a HUGE crucial aspect apart of the movie theater experience we do not talk about enough: movie theater snacks.

Nothing is more nostalgic than driving to the local movie theater, sprinting over to the concession stand, and putting yourself in life-threatening levels of financial debt for a snack you’ll finish eating before the trailers finish.

"Scary Movie" directed by Keenan Ivory Wayans, 2000.

But Aidan and I aren’t just here to vent about what snacks we like and don’t like. There are stakes, methods, and other countless factors you have to consider when ranking the best snacks to eat at the movies.

Picture this: You go to a small, independent movie theater that has some pretentious 1930s-Hollywood reference for a name like “The Apple Box" or “Metro Playhouse Center”. (These really only exist in the evil elite coastal cities)

Everyone actually calls Metro Playhouse Center the ‘MPC’ because it is shorter, and thus, more cost efficient to pronounce. The MPC sells one-size, no-refill bags of popcorn for $24.50. It comes in a dirty metallic cup stuffed with official MPC branded parchment paper. There’s probably only 30 pieces of popcorn, most of the cup is really just parchment paper with nice branding on it. They also sell a tote bag for $39.99.

The over-priced indie theater artisanal popcorn.

That $35.99 artisanal popcorn bucket is only 2.5 ounces by the way.

But then there’s the other side of the same coin.

Picture this: You go to a giant movie theater complex. It’s crammed inside a dead mall that hasn’t seen a customer since the 2008 housing crisis. It’s got the brain of a vacant Blockbuster and the body of an Amazon Prime Warehouse. The location served as the territorial turf of nine different movie theater franchises, half of which only existed in the 1980s as money-laundering shell companies.

These theaters have five IMAX screens, arcade games that only accept Apple Pay, a partnership with Pepsi Cola’s Pepsi Wild Cherry flavor, and nothing but empty parking lots during peak movie-goer hours. The popcorn tastes like cheap crap. Almost like they purposefully freeze it then unthaw it days later. It costs $35 for a bucket. They do have unlimited free refills though.

The over-priced mass-produced cinema complex popcorn.

If you grew up in the South/Midwest like me, there’s a good chance your average "going to the movies" experience was just driving 30 minutes across town to the closest local AMC or Regal complex.

If you grew up in an evil coastal city full of snobby elite film-hubs, you probably grew up going to the theater with Martin Scorsese himself. You probably even call him “Marty”, because of course you do. Jackass.

"Marty"

Regardless, there’s plenty of unspoken rules to eating at the movie theater.

You can’t just loudly slurp down your brain-freeze-inducing ICEE slushie. You don’t want to be chewing too loudly either. You don’t want to be the person really struggling to open the sour patch kids ‘easy-tear’ tab. You can’t have a whole full course meal either, that’ll distract you from the flick.

What movie theater snacks are the worst to buy? What are the best? Which ones do you avoid making eye contact with? Why do concession stands still exist in the first place? Let’s dig in.

"Tampopo" directed by Juzo Itami, 1985. Go watch this movie if you haven't already.

INTRODUCTION

AIDAN: So, before we begin, would you like to tell everyone why you were late yesterday when we tried to record?

MAX: Um — goddamn it. Fuck. Well, dude, it's actually gone. Fun fact.

AIDAN: What's gone? Tell the audience.

MAX: So… I thought I had pink eye yesterday–

AIDAN: And how do you think you got it? It better not be how I thought…

MAX: I was actually planning on writing about this for this week… I mistakenly slept with my eye contacts in, and my right eye got really disinfected. I woke up Monday and, like, I looked like Fetty Wap. Yeah. And then, yesterday, I was fine, but I went to work and I was like, nah — it was kind of weird. And I was like, “should I go to urgent care?” And then… 

AIDAN: Nice.

MAX: Well, dude, so there's another long story in there, but–

AIDAN: Okay. We'll save that.

MAX: I'm okay, but my pink eye is gone. So grateful I'm free.

AIDAN: So, our topic for this lovely recording is ranking and just a general discussion about different movie snacks. And I want to preface, before we get into it, that movie snack rankings say more about a person than, like, your political alignment. It's one thing to be like, “oh, I'm a Democrat,” or, “oh, I'm a Republican,” or “I'm a Scientologist” — because those are our three parties in the U.S., right? But on the other hand, your ranking in this list, like, not only determines who you are as a human being, but even like how much respect and basic dignity you deserve as a human being.

MAX: I was going to say, it shows your ethics and morals.

AIDAN: It's more telling than a trolley problem.

MAX: Yeah, exactly.

AIDAN: We didn't really come up with a structure, so we're just going to look at a fucking tier list. We're just going to see how this goes.

MAX: In terms of ranking this, are we, like, hungry at the movie theater? Like, did we have dinner before this or whatever?

AIDAN: This is like the hypothetical, like: you're getting movie snacks. We ate lunch five hours ago, so we're not, like, starving, but we're hungry enough to where, yeah, we could have a little sweet treat.

MAX: Okay. Like, drink, and like snack––right?

AIDAN: Well, we're going to get into that, because drinks are a part of this list. And I didn't make this. I'm just taking what some jackass made on Tiermaker.com.

MAX: (looking at the list) “Gooey Bites”? Fucking Cinnabon?

AIDAN: Yeah. You're jumping forward a little bit…

MAX: Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

AIDAN: I guess we should just debate to figure out where our mutual placement is for each of these on the list. Because we have to find common ground.

POPCORN

AIDAN: Well, so starting with popcorn… maybe it's just me, but I think, honestly, like movie theater-wise, it’s — I don't want to say S tier, but well, like, a top-tier snack in the sense that there's a ton of it. It's really fun to snack on. It's very like, “oh, I'm at the movies while I'm eating it.”

MAX: Yeah, it is a classic…

AIDAN: And it's not that loud when you're chewing.

MAX: I don't know, like it depends. Do you butter it? Do you salt it, you know? I think you have to have it salted and buttered–

AIDAN: Here's the thing that the mainstream media won't let you talk about: popcorn isn't the same at every theater. Sometimes, you'll go to a Regal or an AMC, and the popcorn will be straight-up ass. But then you'll go to, like, a local theater — some random place — and it's the best movie theater popcorn you've ever had. So I think that the quality varies, but in general, I feel like it's such a mainstay. It's such a staple that even if I'm not always in the mood for it, it's so many people's ideal movie theater snack. It's like, popcorn paired with something else.

MAX: Yeah, like “candy, popcorn, and soda” or something…

AIDAN: I think rating it anything lower than an A would be ridiculous, but I can't give it an S because it varies. So I'm going to give it an A.

MAX: I think that's what I’d say, great. It's just, like, the GOAT — like, it's like the anchor of all the movie theater snacks, you know? Exactly. None of these would be here without popcorn.

KIT KAT BARS

AIDAN: So here we have Kit Kats–

MAX: At the movies specifically?

AIDAN: Yeah, because the thing is: Kit Kats, in terms of just candy in general, are one of my favorite candies. But as a movie theater snack, they go pretty quickly. There's only four, like–

MAX: Yeah. There's, like, four bars. The king size has six or something. You don't get that much of the candy itself.

AIDAN: You can't spread them out. I feel like the most ideal– Like, the reason popcorn's good is because there're little bites that you can take periodically over the course of a half-hour or an hour. And a Kit Kat is gone in, like, two minutes… There's going to be other items on this list that aren't as good as Kit Kats that have the same problem, so I can't read them too harshly. So, I'm thinking like a B or a C. What are you thinking?

MAX: I don't know. I want to say C, and it's not even that I don't– Like, I love Kit Kats, but contextually, I think–

AIDAN: Yeah, if Kit Kats tasted worse, they would be a D, but we have to give it a C just because they are delicious.

ALMOND JOYS

AIDAN: Now we got actual cancer. We have an Almond Joy.

MAX: What? I– Almond Joys are like… I dunno. I know some people love them, but for a long time up until like high school, I always kind of hated coconut. And so, now, I kind of get it. But like, dude, I would not buy that at the movie theater.

AIDAN: If the advertisers were telling the truth, this thing would be called Almond Pain. I fucking hate coconut candies. This shit is ass. Yeah. I'm giving this — like, it's like between a D and an F. I gotta be real.

MAX: I feel like this type of, like, “nut-plus-chocolate-plus-third-mysterious-substance” candy bar combo, Almond Joys are on the lower end. For me, it's gonna be, like, Snickers.

AIDAN: I'm giving this an F. Do you object?

MAX: No, we can do F. Because who's buying just a candy bar? Like, I think this is probably just a byproduct of late-stage capitalism…

AIDAN: You're not getting any bitches for saying that.

MAX: No, I know. I just wanted to have that in the transcripts.

REESE’S MINIATURE CUPS

AIDAN: I love Reese’s Miniature Cups. I actually have a bag of these in my house right now, and I'm always snacking on them. I'm going to put this in B.

MAX: They're fire, but… those are the ones where you have to individually unwrap each one, right?

AIDAN: Yeah, but it’s not that bad, because it's not that loud. It's not like ripping open a box or something. It's, like, tiny little crinkling. I think that the only problem is that, because it involves touching chocolate that's not hardened like the other candies on this list, it can be a little messy. But it's not like you're eating buffalo wings or anything. So I'd say B.

MAX: I would have that over a Kit Kat, because also — you get a bunch of little fun ones, you know? It's not like it’s just two [regular-sized] Reese's Cups or whatever, you know?

AIDAN: Absolutely.

HOT TAMALES

AIDAN: Now, we got some actual dogshit coming up. Max, question: have you ever eaten these or seen anybody eat these in your life? Hot Tamales?

MAX: Yes, but — wait, are those “Red Hots”? Are Hot Tamales the little, like, Mike and Ike-shaped–?

AIDAN: They're Mike and Ike-shaped, except I just assume they give you heartburn.

MAX: They're literally just red, like… hot cinnamon.

AIDAN: Ew! Ewwwwwwww!

MAX: They're not that– Like, I don't mind that flavor of candy, but. Yeah, I dunno. Cinnamon… dude, that taste would just get so old so quick.

AIDAN: These are like an F for me. The easiest F of my life.

JUNIOR MINTS

AIDAN: This is my first actual hot take, because I think we are going to have differing opinions on this. We got Junior Mints. Now, this is a classic. How do you feel about it?

MAX: I personally love Junior Mints. I loved them as a kid. I think my mom kind of always liked them. I remember specifically having them in California. I would say they were always a really good movie theater snack. I've had them once or twice at the theater. And yeah, there's a lot of them in the box. They're pretty fun to eat, but also, I love the mint and chocolate combo.

AIDAN: I know some people have eaten these and think they're disgusting — they're like, “oh, it tastes like toothpaste.”

MAX: Honestly, I would personally do like, B — with, like the Reese's. Maybe C. I don't know. It could be higher.

AIDAN: I am one of the people that doesn't hate mint-flavored things. I love, like, York Peppermint Patties and stuff like that. Yeah. That being said… I've never been crazy about Junior Mints! I've never hated them, but I'm just so impartial to them. And I know that they're a classic movie snack — and all things considered, this should be like an easy S for me — but I don't know. I'm like a B or a C. I've never been crazy about them, and I don't know why, but–

MAX: We could do B.

AIDAN: We could do B for now. I like them. If there weren't a lot of great options, I'd be like, “fuck it,” but with some of the other ones on this list, I would take over Junior Mints any day of the week. Yeah. This is not S tier for me, but we could do B, because it sounds like you really like them and… I don't know…

MAX: I like them, dude. I just looked up an image of Junior Mints, and I I'm going to low-key throw this image in between the text of this discussion, because this makes them look so disgusting. It's, like, white filling…

Thanks Google for throwing this up as one of the first images. Thanks a lot. Sorry everyone.

FRENCH FRIES

AIDAN: Okay, so next one, we have french fries.

MAX: Those are fries? Wait — have you ever eaten french fries at a movie theater?

AIDAN: Well, technically, yes, because sometimes I've ordered chicken fingers and fries whenever I needed to get dinner at the movie theaters. But just fries alone, I've never done.

MAX: I– Dude, I’d say D. Just because– No, but the concept doesn't– Now that I'm thinking about it, that would be good. I’ve just never *ordered* it. Like, you know what I mean?

AIDAN: Who's like, “oh, I got my fries at the theater,” you know? It's just, it seems like it would be expensive. Like, a box of candy is pretty cheap, but a full thing of fries that would last you– Seems like it would be, like, seven or eight bucks, you know?

MAX: Dude, no, it'd be like, thirteen for a little basket.

AIDAN: Well, yeah, everything is five dollars more in New York. But we'll put it in C. Okay?

MAX: Yeah. We'll please everyone. We can C.

AIDAN: Okay. If there's any theater french fry lovers, let us know.

RED VINES

AIDAN: What are your take on Red Vines? Have you had them ever?

MAX: Yeah, so I come from a pro-Red Vine family. We've been pro-Red Vine for generations. But I, lowkey, think these are easily better than Twizzlers. I think, yeah, like Twizzlers I like, but they taste more plasticky and basic and rubbery. They don't really taste like licorice. *This* tastes like I'm eating licorice, like I'm snacking on red candy licorice in the ‘70s.

AIDAN: And you know that hits, because whenever Max experiences ‘70s nostalgia, he gets excited. So honestly, I don't know about S, but I would put this in A. I'd say A.

MAX: Are Twizzlers on here? I don't know. Oh. It doesn't matter.

AIDAN: Yeah, no, yeah, they are.

MAX: Okay, bet. I think that's the real debate, because I know there's a lot of people who just like Twizzlers.

AIDAN: We'll get to that.

COOKIE DOUGH BITES

AIDAN: Now, here we have… Okay, I got to be honest — this is the first S tier for me. Yeah. In my opinion– Have you had Cookie Dough Bites?

MAX: I've had them at baseball games and stuff. I don't know if I've had them at a theater, but I could see how that would hit so hard.

AIDAN: It– dude, it's so decadent for candy. It's so good…

MAX: I love them too. I'm down. 

AIDAN: Dude, it's literally just, like– It's so good. It's fucking awesome. They're like if Junior mints were actually just cookies and chocolate. Like, it's better.

MAX: I would say so, yeah. I think those are a great movie theater snack. And not that it happens a lot, but I guess the one downside is with some of the chocolates, it can like melt, but… in this ideal scenario, you're eating each of these the way they were meant to be eaten. I'd say, yeah, dude — I'm down for the S tier. I think they're really good.

AIDAN: Thank you.

MILK DUDS

AIDAN: It sounds like you have a lot to say. What are your Milk Dud takes?

MAX: So, I love Milk Duds. I know they're terrible for my teeth, and every time I have them, I'm like, “This is going to get stuck in the back of my mouth.” But that's the thing. They're really fun to eat, you know? (smiles) I just love to wake up and consume Milk Duds in the morning.

AIDAN: That sounds weird. Why'd you say it like that?

MAX: I don't know. I thought it'd be fun. But, honestly, I've had them at theaters, and it's kind of where they hit the most out of anywhere else. Because there's a high quantity of what you're getting. And so it does kind of last you throughout the movie experience, because you're chewing and sucking on them. They're like caramels — it's not like popcorn where you just eat it, you know?

AIDAN: I had these a little bit when I was a kid, and dude… they stick to your teeth like crazy. It's almost enough for me to pull it down a few rankings. If they weren't so annoying, like, teeth-wise, they do taste pretty good — not S tier for me or even A, I'd say. I would be willing to negotiate. I would probably put these in C or D, but given that you like them, I could be reasoned to a B. I'm not going to put them in D. I'd do B, but again, this would be–

MAX: B is for bias, you know?

AIDAN: Yeah, that's so true. And A is for Aidan.

MAX: Exactly.

GOOBERS

AIDAN: Okay, now we got one that… I'm not even kidding, I don't know what this is. What the fuck are Goobers? I think they're chocolate-covered peanuts?

MAX: I know I've seen those. Goobers are––that's one of the movie theater snacks you see in the display case that you never get, and that’s too expensive—not worth the experience, you know? It's also made by Nestle. Nestle's bad, so…

AIDAN: Yeah, but I have to say, I'm thinking about it and, like… chocolate-covered peanuts sounds good. It just never has jumped out to me, so I don't think I put it in D. I put it in C, just like… whatever.

MAX: Yeah, it's just like, I'd rather have Cookie Dough Bites or Milk Duds over just chocolate- covered peanuts, you know?

HERSHEY’S MILK CHOCOLATE BAR

AIDAN: Maybe it's just 'cause I'm from Pennsylvania, which is the home of Hershey’s Chocolate Factory. But Hershey's Milk Chocolate is probably like… top ten substances ever invented. Like, up there with penicillin. But, like, as a movie snack, it's not good. It's the same as Kit Kats. If we're doing just plain milk chocolate — yeah, no. I'd say like C or D. If this was candy, good old-fashioned Hershey's milk chocolate, I'm not even kidding, it would be S. But, like, who are you? Are you that guy that just brings a chocolate bar to the movie theaters? Like, that's gonna last you a minute! Even if it's the ideal temperature — if you're watching a movie in a giant refrigerator — if you're a real gobbler like me, that shit's gone in thirty seconds. I'm eating it up. It'll be just the wrapper and it'll be gone.

MAX: But I would say, if this was Hershey with almonds or… I dunno, dude, if it was a more special one, like Hershey with almonds, I would maybe bump it up a tier just because I like it that much. But honestly, as a movie theater snack, I'd say C.

CHARLESTON CHEW

AIDAN: We've yet to put something in the D tier, but I think we have one here. Okay, this is called a Charleston Chew. This is like Great Depression candy. You don't see these unless you're at a *really* old movie theater. Like, when you look at the box, you’re like “that actually looks kind of good,” but, like, you don't have this unless you're at your fucking grandma's house and she's, like, decaying in front of your eyes, and she's like, “Oh, dear, take something from the little candy jar.” And then you look, and it's a Charleston Chew wrapper that hasn't been touched since the fucking ‘40s. Max, have you ever had a Charleston Chew?

MAX: I've had them, and I do not understand how they're, like, still around. They're not bad, but they're not… Like, I have to put them in D. I'm sorry, like... I just... Yeah, it's like, it's like nougat and– I think I've had them in their prime. They're *so* chewy. Like, worse than Milk Duds.

AIDAN: This is my opinion: if eating the candy is in and of itself a chore, where you have to stop and think about eating it to make sure it doesn't get on your teeth, you fail. “Oh, it's fine–” It's not. You fucking fail. You can't be aware of the candy experience.

"Futurama" via 20th Century Fox.

MAX: Especially during the movie theaters! Because when you're watching a film — a flick — you know, you want to be immersed. You want to be stuck in that world. You don't want to be fucking thinking about, “Oh my God, this fucking Charleston Chew is making me Charleston chew all goddamn day, you know?”

AIDAN: Yeah. You eat a Charleston chew if you're going to go home and chew your wife out for not doing the dishes and being a '50s housewife. You know what I'm saying?

MAX: Yeah, exactly. Like, this candy is past its era. I feel like Charleston Chews probably hit when you were in the mines, you know?

M&M’S

AIDAN: There's three different types of M&M's, so I'm gonna get all three out of the way in a row. So first, we have original M&Ms… Okay, I'm actually like superseding whatever you're about to say. This is going in S for me. M&Ms are a classic.

MAX: Okay, I'd say yes, but dude… I'd rather do the peanut in S, and then the normal one in A. But they *are* such a classic that, honestly, I could I would be willing to compromise and put it in S.

AIDAN: This might be crazy — I'm going to put all three varieties of M&Ms in the S tier. Because peanut Butter M&M's are really good, too.

MAX: You know what? Honestly, yeah. I think they can all be S. Because another helpful thing with the S category and what we're doing with A versus S like, “You're definitely getting it.” Like, if you're going to the theater, you're probably going to get popcorn. If you're really into licorice, there's a good chance you're going to get Red Vines. S is where you have that popcorn and then you can put the M&M's in the popcorn — you know what I mean? It just elevates the experience even more. Like, dude, nothing is better. I'm not crazy about the peanut butter ones, but also that's just because I like the Reese's Pieces more. But they're low-key the same.

SOUR PATCH KIDS

AIDAN: Now, I actually noticed that next we have, there's no actual, like, regular sour patch kids on this list. They only have the sour patch watermelon, which is interesting to me, but we can just treat this as any type of sour patch kids. But also watermelon––I really like watermelon. But, no, but I'm sorry the original Sour Patch Kids, I would put this in S. This is *the* fruit candy. Like, fruit flavored candy, that to me is the cream of the crop.

MAX: Yeah.

AIDAN: Like, I know people have a thing of like, “oh, after you eat Sour Patch Kids and drink water, water tastes weird,” and it's like, okay, bitch, that's why you don't bring water with your Sour Patch kids to the movies. You don't need to drink water afterwards. I don't…like, like original Sour Patch kids are so fucking good. That's my take. What's yours?

MAX: I would 100% agree with you today. I think the classic Sour Patch are killer, and I honestly like the watermelon even more because it's like a fun little side thing they did. 

AIDAN: Exactly. 

MAX: But if the plain were here, like the regular variety of color ones I think that would be up there. I did meet somebody. I did know somebody who once told me that…I guess I’m going back to the M&M thing…well, my *now* ex-stepmom, at my dad's and all the…

AIDAN: Max, I just want to remind you this is a tier list. This is not therapy.

MAX: I know, I know, I know. It's all good.

AIDAN: No, you can tell the story.

MAX:So my stepmom, she always loved doing this. We would watch a movie at home, always get microwave popcorn, a bag of M&M's and mix that shit up. It's amazing when the melted chocolate mixes with the popcorn. It's such a great experience. Then, I was telling somebody about how awesome that combo is, right? But then they told me how they would do the same thing but with Sour Patch Kids in popcorn instead. I don’t get that. You know in Ratatouille when he's eating the little piece of cheese with the strawberry? And the swirls are all everywhere? Like, I can't see that happening with Sour Patch Kids, I guess…

AIDAN: I haven't seen Ratatouille because that's for kids. Animated movies are for kids.

MAX: Yeah, animated movies are only for kids. Just slop for babies. Yeah. 

AIDAN: Yeah.

MAX: That's why I only watch the Mad Max movies. Because they're for *adults*…and my name is also in the title.

HARIBO GOLDBEARS

AIDAN: Now, I have to admit, I had my Haribo phase back in the day — but as a movie theater snack, this is a C at best. You know what I'm saying?

MAX: I was going to say, like, great gummy bears. Solid. The standard, I would say, for gummy bears. If there's nothing else, I'll take that to the movies. But there's been so many times I go to, like, the nearest gas station where you can get some cheap candy, and there's been a good amount of times where I see a Haribo deal. And so I'll bring those to the theater. And they're pretty solid, but, yeah, it's just plain gummy bears at the movie theater. Before you even eat them, you can kind of imagine what it's going to be like, you know? I don't know. I think C is a good place.

NESTLE DIBS CRUNCH

AIDAN: I actually have memories eating these at the aquarium I used to go to as a kid. I think I had these once, like a year or two ago, at a movie. And it was good, but my issue is that it's one of those things like a Hershey's Chocolate bar, where it's not like popcorn. It goes very quickly. That's my biggest issue with it. But it tastes delicious. Ice cream is, like, so good. I'm just a huge ice cream shill. But as a movie candy, it's honestly a B to me. It tastes good enough that I would put it in B.

MAX: I'd agree. I didn't grow up eating them at aquariums. I grew up eating them at college baseball games — I remember having them at like a Dodgers game, when I was like five. I could be wrong. But I wouldn't really ever get those at the movie theaters, you know? And yeah: chocolate and ice cream, you can't really beat that combo. But at the same time, yeah, I can see how these would, like, run by pretty quick. It's probably not worth the– you don't probably get enough bang for your buck with these.

AIDAN: Max, you keep using words like “bang”. It's really inappropriate. But we can move on.

PIZZA

"Breaking Bad" via Sony Pictures Television.

AIDAN: Now we got– Okay, I'm sorry. We got another, like, ridiculous one. It's, like, this delicious looking image of pizza, but, like…is pizza a movie snack?

MAX: “Delicious” is…a way to describe that. And, yeah, no, I *don't* think pizza is a movie theater snack. That's what you eat a few hours before you go to the theaters and have…like, I've had it. But yeah, you don't have there––it's pizza!

AIDAN: I will say there was one time where I ate pizza during a movie, and it was when I was at an Alamo Drafthouse, and I ordered a pizza—like, a tiny little personal pizza—and it was delicious. But, like, I don't know…that's a dine-in theater. That's like calling a fucking salad or chicken wings a movie snack. It's like, “Okay, so just any preparable food is a snack?” That's not how it works.

MAX: Pizza is just such a top-tier food in general that you can't really be like, “Oh, this is contextually important in theaters,” because it's like…it's *pizza*. Anyone is gonna like pizza anywhere. Dude, I'd be willing to put this in, like…D. I like Alamo, but, dude—if I did the little thing where it's like…I'm watching, I dunno, A Minecraft Movie: The Block Party Edition, and I'm sitting there having my fine drink…you know, I'm of age, so I could be having a beer there…

AIDAN: Max, nobody said you weren't of age. You seem very defensive there.

MAX: Yeah, it's probably 'cause I still look like a middle schooler. But, so, the Alamo—I'm there. I'm ordering food. I'm writing down on a little piece of paper, you know, what I want to eat at the theater while I'm watching this movie. And if I write “pizza”, I just fucking–

AIDAN: Yeah, you're getting jumped. The guy's coming in, and when he sees what you ordered, he's beating the shit out of you. You're gonna die.

MAX: Exactly. The projectionist himself will stop the movie, go down into the theater, and just kick your ass because you are eating pizza.

GOOD & PLENTY

AIDAN: Okay, now we have another fake movie candy that doesn't exist. This is called Good & Plenty. Dude. The fuck? Psyop candy. I know it's cinnamon–

MAX: I thought it was, like, licorice. I thought it was, like, red–

AIDAN: Yeah, no, it's licorice. It's even worse. It's like licorice Mike and Ikes.

MAX: You know, similar to the Chicago Bears, I think black licorice is very underrated. Or maybe I should have said “over-hated”. I don't know. Maybe not like the Chicago Be––

AIDAN: Max, this is not going higher than D.

MAX: No, dude, I was going to say that we should put this in F! I'm never buying Good & Plenty at the theater. I will say, Mike and Ike's? Amazing. Like, I love Mike and Ikes. I love Mike. I love Ike. I love the whole thing. Good & Plenty is just less of a catchy name. Just less fun of a candy. It’s just a bunch of tiny licorice pellets. Really—“good and plenty”? I feel like that's kind of false advertising.

AIDAN: No, it's more like “Bad & Few”.

MAX: Yeah.

AIDAN: That was horrible.

MAX: More like “Poop & Shit”.

AIDAN: Yeah. You fucking owned them. Okay, yeah. We agree it's an F. Yeah.

SWEETARTS

AIDAN: I have to say, I've had SweeTART originals. I don't know if I've ever had them as, uh–

MAX: These are the chalky disc ones, right? But not like chalky in a bad way. Just chalky as in texture, not taste.

AIDAN: Yeah, they're good. They're good. I would put them in B. I don't know about you, if you've ever had them. I really like SweeTARTs, especially the original classics. They honestly are like crack. They're really fun to eat.

MAX: And I think there's ones that they've done like… Have you ever had the ball versions of them?

AIDAN: I don't know, but I think I might have. Anyways, they're pretty fire. But I guess if they're doing like this basic box of them…

MAX: I do remember specifically with SweeTARTs, compared to any of these other candies on this list I see right now — they are loud as fuck. Like, because they're all loose in that box.

AIDAN: Oh, yeah.

MAX: So you're trying to sneak into a theater with that candy you bought from Walgreens or wherever, you know? You're getting your ticket. You gotta, like, kind of hide it in your hoodie or your purse. And you just hear, like, just–

AIDAN: One time I snuck a full Wingstop meal into a theater in New York, and they didn't even give a fuck.

MAX: You snuck in full Wingstop? That's pretty crazy.

AIDAN: Yeah. I hit it in my snow coat, and I think they just thought I was fat.

MAX: Well, I mean…you brought Wingstop to a movie theater, so…

AIDAN: Yeah, I technically– (laughs) You're not wrong with that. That's so–stop talking about my body. It's really rude.

TWIZZLERS

AIDAN: Let's talk about Twizzlers.

MAX: Yeah. Twizzlers. We waited long and hard.

AIDAN: Just like Twizzlers, we've waited long and hard.

MAX:  I think, again, personal bias: I like Red Vines more than Twizzlers, but I do like Twizzlers. You always would get the little mini ones during, you know, trick-or-treating on Halloween, which I thought were always kind of fun. But compared to Red Vines at the theater, they're not in a box. I think licorice in a box is just more fun at the movie theater. Again, if we're like… I dunno, what movie should we pick that we're [hypothetically] watching right now? Do you want to do Eddington or Weapons? Weapons comes out soon. We could do–

AIDAN: No, let's do The Bad Guys 2.

MAX: You want to do Bad Guys? Okay, we're seeing The Bad Guys 2, and we're surrounded by–

AIDAN: Max and I are on a date.

MAX: We're surrounded by a bunch of millennials, and their children–

AIDAN: Well, actually, we're surrounded by children and furries. Because apparently furries really like The Bad Guys. And our friend Lily.

MAX: Okay, anyways—Twizzlers, I'm saying…C. They're in the bag. It's going to be kind of loud. You're annoying people at The Bad Guys 2.

AIDAN: You kind of feel also like “a bad guy too” while eating these.

MAX: That was sweet. I feel like an animal while I'm eating Twizzlers, you know?

AIDAN: I have never been hot on Twizzlers. They’re like Haribo: they’re something I'll eat if there's no option. But they're honestly closer to Charleston Chews. Like, they're not the worst thing in the world, but I could be eating Red Vines instead, and they're chewier and tastier.

MAX: I think red vines are *way* more fun to like, eat and snack on. Like, Twizzlers, they're so… you really have to bite 'em off. Not in a fun way.

AIDAN: It tastes like wax.

MAX: No, it's like eating waxy plastic—like, the rubber in between the window of your car and the door frame. You know, it's like–

AIDAN: You said that with a lot of confidence. Like that's something you've done. Is that what people do in the Midwest when they’re bored?

MAX: …Yeah.

AIDAN: That was mean. I don't know why–

MAX: Yeah, we outline our cars with Twizzlers because it helps, I don't know, insulate them. So yeah C.

LEMONHEADS

AIDAN: Coming up, we have a hot take of mine. Are you ready?

MAX: Yeah.

AIDAN: Now, I already know everybody reading this is going to cringe, because Lemonheads are hated on. I would put this in A. I'm so fucking serious. Lemonheads are so tasty. It's, like, the perfect––well, first of all, as far as taste goes, it's the perfect balance for me.

MAX: They're like Lemon Drops, right?

AIDAN: Yes, sweet and sour. And they're kind of like miniature jawbreakers, but there's just enough in a box that, like, a box of lemon has—assuming you fuck with the taste, which I do—it could actually last you through most of a movie, which is something that not even most popcorns do. Like, unless you're getting an extra large bucket of popcorn, that shit's gone by the midpoint of the movie. But Lemonheads, you'll be sucking on that shit ‘til the credits roll.

MAX: Yeah, you'll be sucking on that. (searching online) Holy shit. Dude, I found out there's a Lemonhead mascot. Jesus Christ, that is terrifying.

We gotta kill this thing with fire. Why did they give it hair?

AIDAN: Well, I didn't say I want to fuck the mascot.

MAX: No, I know. (pause) Honestly, I've had Lemonheads. I think they're a good candy. I like lemon-flavored candy. It's a good flavor. But, I don't know — A tier? We gotta, you know, put our differences aside, Aidan. I would say these would be B tier, just because… they're really good, but if you're telling people, “oh yeah, you'll have your popcorn, maybe your Cookie Dough Bites, maybe Lemonheads, and your–” and you're like, “Wait, Lemonheads?” You know what I mean? It's not even that they're bad, but it's just, like… fine.

AIDAN: Okay, fine. All I'm going to say–

MAX: We can put it up later if you want. But they are really good. We can put them in… I dunno. I haven't had the box one, though.

JUJYFRUITS

AIDAN: Coming up, we have a candy that, even though I don't think I've ever had it, it looks really good, and it's Jujyfruits.

MAX: I've always seen those. I don't think I've ever had them. But they look the same as the fruit snacks, which is like… Yeah, fruit snacks are great, I feel like. Welch’s Fruit Snacks, right?

AIDAN: Yeah, and that's a pretty good movie candy. I would put it in A, honestly.

MAX: Well, honestly, dude, I would agree, but I don't think I've had these either, just in general. I'm sure I can imagine what it tastes like. You know, it's like red 40, green 30, orange 20. But, um…yeah. I would have these over Haribo gummy bears. I would have these over Junior Mints. I'd be willing to say A.

AIDAN: A, If we want to count these as the equivalent to Welch’s–

TWIX

AIDAN: We got Twix.

MAX: Oh, just a normal Twix bar?

AIDAN: Yeah.

MAX: Love Twix. They're great, but, like, I say C. Just one Twix bar, it's over. Left Twix Army 100% by the way, but it's over. You eat it in a minute and a half, and you're going to be like, “Damn, I just spent five dollars at this theater for a Twix bar and the credits aren't even, it's not even done doing the intro,” you know? You're still learning about which production companies made the movie…

AIDAN: Yeah, I haven't even found out who directed The Bad Guys 2 yet, and I already ate my Twix bar. Unless you bought fifty of them, in which case you're starting to get fat, like me.

MAX: Exactly. Twix, like—great candy, though. And the ice cream bar Twix…ooh.

AIDAN: Yeah, well, that's a great summer candy, but we're talking about movies. Movies movies.

MAX: Yeah. C.

NACHOS

MAX: What the fuck is that?

AIDAN: It's nachos.

MAX: Oh, those are nachos. I couldn't tell if those were… it's the image. I was like, “Are those cookies and milk?” I cannot see from here, sorry.

AIDAN: This is something where I have to be objective. Even though I don't think I have ever ordered nachos specifically for a movie, and I don't know if I ever would, the thought of them is pretty good. It's just that they'd be expensive. But if they weren't expensive, I would do it.

MAX: I think nachos are the alter ego to popcorn because they're really loud when you're chewing them. And they might still taste good, but I don't know. I would say B or C. But also, the other thing: this image, it's like a nice stock image of nachos, right? Movie theater nachos are almost always just like that fake-ass, melted, plastic cheese. And the best, he gourmet version of nachos you're going to get—the artisanal nachos––it'll be the shitty plastic cheese and ten tostitos in a little plastic tray, and maybe just maybe some chopped jalapeno…like, basic. You know I mean?

AIDAN: Exactly, yeah.

MAX: In theory, nachos at the movie theaters sounds awesome. But we have to be realistic. That cheese that you eat, and you know there's not a single ingredient in there that’s a natural commodity from this earth. 

AIDAN: Yeah, it's made from plastic and, like, I don't know. It would be a natural ingredient, but something disgusting. Like dolphin semen or something…

MAX: Okay, anyway, we can. Let's move on.

AIDAN: So when we put them in, C?

MAX: Yeah.

AIRHEADS

AIDAN: We got Airheads.

MAX: Airhead, like, bites? Or what?

AIDAN: I think just Airheads. I like Airheads. What do you think?

MAX: I don't know. I mean, I think a box of them would last more than fucking Twix. I’d put them in B. I think they'd be kind of fun... I wouldn't go to theater and be like, “Ah, fuck, I need my weekly Airhead fix” though. But I think it would be a fun alternative, you know, as a snack to the theater. Did you know, my college nickname was actually named after an Airhead flavor? “White Mystery. “

AIDAN: Oh… because you're technically white, but you feel like you ethnically, like, can–

MAX: I'm technically white, but I'm, like, racially-ambiguous white, you know?

AIDAN: Max, I think we need to stop you from talking before something, like, happens to your career.

MIKE AND IKES

MAX: I love Mike and Ikes. I like the plain classic––the green box. The tropical ones are fire too.

AIDAN: Yeah. If Mike and Ike approach me at a bar and they want me as their third, I'm accepting.

MAX: No, exactly.

AIDAN: I think Mike and Ike are a wonderful, you know, uh– bisexual couple. And they're doing a great thing with their candy, and… I don't know. Do you want to support bisexual businesses?

MAX: Anyway– Yeah, I'd I say S tier. I love Mike and Ikes. I think they're just enough underrated to where you get it, and it's always fun – like, “Somebody has Mike and Ikes!”, you know?

AIDAN: Yeah. They're what Good & Plenty’s wish they were.

MAX: It's like M&Ms, where it’ll last for a decent amount of time. It's delicious. It's everything. You leave the theater eating it, and you're like, “oh my God, not a single natural ingredient was in that”–

AIDAN: –but it tastes good. Unnatural stuff needs to taste good! Who cares? I don't need to be eating salad in here. I could have Mike and Ikes, you know?

BUNCHA CRUNCH

AIDAN: Buncha Crunch is, I think… I'm not even kidding… my favorite snack on here.

MAX: Really?

AIDAN: I'm not even kidding. I love Buncha Crunch. Buncha Crunch is my boyfriend.

MAX: I would say Buncha Crunch is really fire. Buncha Crunch is pretty similar to those Cookie Dough Bites, right? But if it was, well… “crunch”. Buncha Crunch is really fun to eat, but sometimes I wish it was bigger. Like, the bunches.

AIDAN: I mean, they're the same size as the M&M and Cookie Dough boxes, I feel like.

MAX: True, true. But they do, like, crunch?

AIDAN: I think a Crunch Bar is like a really fun candy in general. But, like, a Buncha Crunch has little bites. It's really for the theater. Yeah, I say S. I can't put this any lower than S.

MAX: I don't know if you have your reasons, but if you want to say your reasons…

AIDAN: Well, because Crunch bars are already so good. It's like a Hershey bar, but it's got, like, a Rice Crispies texture in it. And Buncha Crunch to me, it's a cluster… and you would think that, because it's a crunch, it would be loud, but it's really not! It's no louder than popcorn is. I realized that now that I'm an adult, I have freedom — I went to the Dollar Store and I got a bunch of Buncha Crunch for the movies, and I was eating it, and I'm like, “I'm happy. This makes me happy to go to the movies.” That's what movie candy should be.

MAX: I liked what you said about popcorn. It kind of is the sweet-chocolate equivalent to popcorn. Size-wise, experience-wise, you know, when you're masticating the food, uh...

AIDAN: You wanted to use that word. I can tell.

MAX: Yeah. I just wanted to say that. But we, yeah, I say S. Fire.

CHICKEN STRIPS

AIDAN: I've had chicken tenders as a meal at the movie theaters quite a few times back in the day. And I have to say, this gets an A for me, but I want to hear your take, because I already know what you're gonna say, Max. You're gonna be like, “This is like pizza, where it seems ideal, but it's way too expensive, and it's like, whatever.” I've had chicken tenders and fries for movies. They are really soft, nice, hot chicken tenders. You can bite into them super soft with fries. And you can get six of them. They last at least for like ten, fifteen minutes. Like, it's not that bad.

MAX: No, and I get it, because it's a chicken tender to you. Like, that's a meal. You're getting full off of that, too. But it's not like pizza, where you need this whole spread, and–

AIDAN: Yeah, I love chicken tenders. I put them in A.

MAX: You know what? I just don't think I've ever had chicken tenders at the movie theater. But I will say, honestly, I can see why…

AIDAN: You should try it.

MAX: I thought you were going to talk about chicken tender stuff because of, like, Arkansas. That's what I thought you were talking about––

AIDAN: Oh, no, no, I'm not. I'm taking a break from bashing the Midwest right now.

MAX: Thank you.

HOT DOGS

AIDAN: So, I don't want to bash hot dogs too hard, because my dad got a movie theater hot dog recently, and I was like, “Really? You're getting a hot dog?” And he's like, “Yeah, it's a classic movie theater thing.” I've come around on them since — but I feel like just one as a meal is crazy, because I eat a hot dog really quickly. You could have like several– Not to be all Joey Chestnut, but you could have at least like three or four hot dogs.

MAX: (smiling) Gobbling all those glizzies.

AIDAN: No, yeah. I'm a certified glizzy gobbler, and I'm not afraid to say it. So this would not sustain me. This is, like, the meal equivalent of a Hershey's bar.

MAX: Yeah. No, I would agree. I love hot dogs and I feel like… for a fun, special event, like for a movie theater, hot dogs aren't the best you could do. That's better at a sports game or, like, even at an arcade or something, you know? Because it's like a fun little snack, but when you're sitting in a dark room for an hour-and-a-half to maybe three hours — if you’re watching the fucking, I don't know, The Odyssey–

AIDAN: Coming to theaters July 2026.

MAX: Exactly. A Christopher Nolan movie versus, like, one hot dog, you know? I don't think a hot dog…

AIDAN: Hydrogen Bomb versus Coughing Baby.

MAX: Right? I don't know. I think a movie theater hot dog could either be really hit-or-miss too. I guess I should say that. Like, it could be fire, but best-case scenario, you have a little hot dog and you eat it real quick. You get ketchup, mustard, fuck, you know, maybe relish–

AIDAN: Wait, did you say “mustard”? (pause, smiles) Sorry, I've been listening to GNX.

MAX: If I'm getting dogs at the theater, I'd get, I don't know, like a plate of hot dogs? That'd be kind of fire. That'd be kind of fun.

AIDAN: Yeah. Although you would just kind of look like a fucking terrorist.

MAX: No, you would. That would be crazy. It would be kind of fun if they did, like a Joey Chestnut competition––like they do a whole hot dog eating contest––but just during a movie. Joey Chestnut eating 70 hot dogs in the first ten minutes of the movie. Dude, I would love to watch a movie with Joey Chestnut.

CINNABON GOOEY BITES

AIDAN: We're just gonna move right on whatever the fuck Cinnabon Gooey Bites are. I'm just assuming this is just like little cinnamon bun bites. It's covered in icing. You can see they've got a weird little white drizzle on them.

MAX: Yeah, it's got hand-squeezed sauce all over it.

AIDAN: Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. This feels bougie. Like you don't have these unless you go to, like, the richest AMC.

MAX: Yeah, this is like the nice IMAX complex that they have in like the Palisades or whatever, you know, and you're like, “You guys *need* a Cinnabon?”

AIDAN: Maybe just to hate on the evil coastal elites, I'm going to put this in C.

MAX: Like, I like Cinnabon. I remember they had these really good little bite things at Burger King. But like, dude—at a movie? At a movie?! Your hands are toast.

AIDAN: I was gonna say, your hand is getting really sticky. 

MAX: You are going to want to go wash your hands. 

AIDAN: So you're going to definitely lose movie time, you know?

ICEE

AIDAN: So I will say I haven't had one of these in ages, let alone at the movie theater, but–

MAX: They cut off the best one. They clipped off the red ICEE in the image. It's mainly a yellow one and a blue one.

AIDAN: Yeah, you need that Red 40. I was going to put this in A, but would you put this in S?

MAX: I would personally put it in S, but, like––it'd have to be a cherry ICEE. We could do A, though, because I don't know how often I'm going to order these. I don't get them like every time… but dude, just a cherry ICEE with popcorn is a really fun combo. Like, you feel like you're back in a Target aisle in 2011, but then again, you're at a movie, you know? An ICEE at the theater compared to any other type of dessert, sweet-drink wise—it’s not fully soda. It's not like ice cream, so it's not super thick. It's just a slushie. I think it's fun. I feel like I'm in like the mall in the ‘80s, you know?

"Stranger Things" via Netflix.

AIDAN: Yeah. I'll leave it an A. That's me, though.

CHURRO BITES

AIDAN: Now we got, like, individual little churro bites in a box. I haven't had these ever, but they look good. I'd put those over in B. That's a pretty easy one for us, because we would try it, even if we'd never had it.

MAX: Yeah. I feel like mini churro bites with a chocolate dipping sauce or, I guess, a Cinnabon-type gooey glaze– whatever, what do you call that? Just, like, vanilla cream? 

AIDAN: You can say “cum frosting”.

MAX: Cum frosting? Yeah. So, I don't know. I think mini churros would be better than just, like, Cinnabon things. It'd be more fun. Like, how often do you get a churro, you know? 

AIDAN: Yeah, I'd say B. Like, Secret B.

BOTTLE OF WATER

AIDAN: Okay, I’m sorry—who the fuck put a bottle of water on here?! Like, I mean, you have to have it, if you have popcorn. I will say that. But, like, am I really going to put it in A tier? Like, what? It's water! It's not a snack—it's what you bring to wash the snack down. I don't…

MAX: No, water is water. Like, you can always get water. I finished all my food, but I'm still thirsty as hell, so I just go get a water cup. But like, I'm not going in there being like, “I need my water,” you know.

AIDAN: I feel like, if it was something where you can't have candy or popcorn without water, I would say that if you're having popcorn or a chocolatey snack, you need water, but sometimes, with fruit snacks, like you don't need it. I'll put it in B. I'll put it in B.

MAX: I think B is good. It's water. You know, like, it's water. Like, you can't––it's water! You can't go wrong with it. Yeah. Should I say “it's water” again, maybe?

AIDAN: It's going to be funny on the transcript. It says, like, “It's water. Like, it's water. Like, it's water. It's just water.”

MAX: Yeah. It's one of the three necessities we got. But drink-wise? No, I'm doing ICEE over that any day.

RAISINETES

AIDAN: What are your takes on Raisinets? Because I'll get into it.

MAX: As like a normal snack, I think raisins are fire, but also chocolate-covered raisins are really fun. And the yogurt ones, too. But at the movies, no. Like, it'd be like a fun snack, but like that's if I'm trying to be, like, healthy or something.

AIDAN: Yeah, but, like it's not [healthy], because it's chocolate. Yeah. At that point, just cut it out.

MAX: If there was no other option, I'd be like, “Yeah, fuck it. I'll have some Raisinetes, it’s cute.” But if I see M&M's, or even Milk Duds, or Junior mints, or even fucking Haribo, I'm like, “Yeah, I'm taking that over fucking Raisinetes.”

AIDAN: Either eat fruit or eat fucking candy.

MAX: Pick a lane. It feels indecisive, just as a product for a theater snack. Like, what do you pair with chocolate-covered raisins? A fucking glass of milk?

AIDAN: D. All right.

REESE’S PIECES

AIDAN: So I know that you are a fan of Reese's Pieces, because in theory, this is great. You take Reese's peanut butter cups, one of the greatest candies ever, and you make it bite-sized. That sounds great. However–

MAX: And don't forget the E.T product placement!

AIDAN: Max. I don't give a fuck how many Spielberg references there are for this. The thing about Reese's Pieces is that they try to do, like, “Oh, we're going to do the Reese's equivalent of M&M's!” But the thing with M&M's is that you have a very thin outer shell that provides a crunch, and then the interior is chocolate. With Reese's Pieces, there's a thin outer shell of chocolate, and then an interior of peanut butter… but you don't taste the outer shell. So when you have Reese's Pieces, it just tastes like the peanut butter interior.

MAX: …yeah.

AIDAN: And it's good, but I would rather have the miniature cups any day of the week to Reese's Pieces. It doesn't taste like them at all! I never eat Reese's pieces and go, “Man, it feels like I'm having a bite-sized–” I'm just like, “Yeah, this tastes like a peanut butter-related thing.” It's never compared.

MAX: I would agree. I think the reason why I love them so much is literally because it's chocolate peanut butter and it's just in the–

AIDAN: But it's not, though! It just tastes like peanut butter!

MAX: No, I know, but it's in the M&M vessel, you know? And I think that's why I like them. But compared to peanut M&Ms, I see what you're saying.

AIDAN: I would put them in B. I like them, but I don't love them.

MAX: I'm cool with B.

CHEETOS POPCORN

AIDAN: Dude, who made this tier list?!

MAX: What is fucking Cheetos Popcorn?

AIDAN: A fucking alien made it.

MAX: Is that just Cheeto dust on popcorn?

AIDAN: It's, like, this artificial Cheetos dust sprayed on popcorn that they serve at some movie theaters. I think they serve it at Regal.

MAX: I could see Cheetos on their own being a solid snack if we're doing, like, chips and stuff, but popcorn? Nah. Popcorn alone is already, you know, buttery and salty. Like, I don't think you need that much extra chemicals to make it an enjoyable experience. This is, like, Tier C for me.

AIDAN: If I go to the theater so much, I'm like, “You know what, fuck it. I'll try it one time.” And then I'm like, “Yeah, this is what I expected.”

MAX: My family one time got, like– There’s Flaming Hot Cheetos mac-and-cheese, and we tried it, and it was disgusting. I'm not getting upcharged for something that's probably going to taste worse, you know?

AIDAN: Yeah. I'm putting it in D. I haven't tried it, so I can't give it an F, but you know what I mean?

MAX: Yeah.

MOZZARELLA STICKS

AIDAN: We got fucking mozzarella sticks. This is like nachos for me. Like…what?

MAX: You know, it could hit. I don't know. It'd probably hit while you're watching, like, The Godfather, but… I would put them in D, almost. Because, like, mozzarella sticks… I'm at least having pizza before that! It's going to make me hungrier for pizza, and then—I don't want to just be mad. It's a distraction. That's, like, an appetizer for a restaurant. You really gotta be craving mozzarella sticks, I feel like, to get them at a movie theater.

AIDAN: All right. It's a D.

SODA

AIDAN: I gotta be honest, I am not a soda guy. Like, the only time I'm getting anything soda-related is if I get an ICEE, because that's soda, but it's like… it's got a twist to it. I feel like soda’s so bad for you—I know that everything on here is bad for you, but it's like…you know what I mean?

MAX: Honestly, if I'm getting a drink in the theater, there's a good chance I'll get a soda, but I cannot do 64 ounces of Coke or Dr. Pepper. That's way too much of something… I'll put it in C.

AIDAN: I'll put it in C.

CORN NUGGETS

AIDAN: So now we got corn nuggets. They're like miniature corn dogs. I didn’t even know these existed. I'm putting them in D.

MAX: That looks like an AI-generated image, almost. Yeah, I don't know what corn nuggets are.

SKITTLES

AIDAN: We got Skittles and Sour Skittles. I have a hot take right off the bat.

MAX: Go.

AIDAN: I like Sour Skittles more than regular Skittles. Skittles are like an NPC candy. Sour Skittles, I used to think they were bad because I never tried them. Then I had them, and they're pretty good.

MAX: Yeah, I would agree. I would put Skittles in C and I would put Sour Skittles in B. Sour Skittles with like popcorn—that's the perfect combo of salty, sweet and tangy, you know? But yeah, normal Skittles, they're not bad, but you're it's one of those candies you're eating and you're like, “Not a single real ingredient is in this, you know?”

SNOW CAPS

AIDAN: Sno-Caps. Another classic. These are kind of like Junior Mints. They are a classic movie theater snack. I've had them. They're fine.

MAX: They're fine. I think they're solid. They're little chocolate chips with, like, sprinkles on them, right? I'd be willing to put them in B, because you get a ton of them.

STARBURST

AIDAN: I have an interesting relationship to Starbursts. I think that three out of the four core Starburst flavors are really great… and then I just can't stand pink Starbursts.

MAX: You don’t like pink?! I feel like that's the one people love so much, too.

AIDAN: People hate on yellow. I like yellow. I I love yellow-flavored stuff. I just don't like strawberry flavored candy.

MAX: I'm thinking C, because I like Starbursts, and they're good, but there's a good chance whatever package they came in, you're going to have to individually unwrap each one, which is just tedious while you're watching a movie. It's kind of similar to Skittles. You could do something a little more special, you know?

WHOPPERS

AIDAN: I would go to bat for Whoppers.

MAX: I think I like Whoppers, but I feel like there was a time I ate so many, and that's why I just can't eat them as much anymore. I love malt balls. The texture's really fun. But I will say, I think they get old quick. Maybe it might just be me, but to me, Whoppers specifically—whatever the interior inside part is—they get old to me quick. If that was with popcorn, it'd be fun. But if I'm having just a box of Whoppers, I kinda get sick of it after a while.

AIDAN: But if you have water… It's not my go-to for chocolatey candy—like M&Ms and Buncha Crunch and Cookie Dough Bites are the top tier chocolate candies for me—but Whoppers, I would put in B or A. Like, I'm leaning towards A. They are a little loud, so they're not top tier. I'd say B, because of the loudness–

MAX: I feel like they always taste almost like stale or something, you know? I don't know. Maybe that's part of the Whopper experience. 

AIDAN: Yeah, but I've never met a person that doesn't like Whoppers! You know what I'm saying? It's maltballs! They're like Maltesers—they're great! Sometimes, you can just bite straight into them and chew them. Sometimes you can, like, suck the chocolate off and then you chew the malt ball. They're a creative little candy.

MAX: And, like, also…to juxtapose… I feel like Whoppers would be like a better alternative––

AIDAN: Did you just learn that word?

COFFEE

AIDAN: And now, finally, the final item, they put fucking coffee, the immediate F. Are you kidding me?

MAX: Yeah, and also like a bodega cup of coffee, which I think it would be kind of fun, but also, like, I don't know. I've seen it before.

AIDAN: And it's not even because coffee is the worst thing on earth. Like I would I'm not a coffee drinker at all, but I would rather have a coffee than a fucking box of hot tamales at any day, but like, I don't know. Like, who the fuck is bringing coffee? No, right? No way they're watching in the morning. Right?

MAX: That's what I was going to say. I've heard there's's a niche subculture of community of people who like to go into the Monday morning screenings, or not Monday morning, but just movie screenings in the mornings the most. And I like watching movies in the morning. Like, I think watching movies like, on your laptop while you're eating breakfast is honestly, like really underrated. That's my hot take.

AIDAN: Yeah, well, those people are freaks. They're not controlling this list.

MAX: Well, I was about to say, but how many people are, like, waking up, like 9 a.m., going to the movie theater and like getting a coffee, you know? Who? No one. No one. How authentic to the movie the, like how authentic in terms of like movie theater, like, etiquette and culture, in terms of like snacks and the like consumer side of it, like how like special is coffee to the experience? It's not, you know?I'm kind of surprised they have coffee on here and not like a beer or something. Because, you know, like Alamo serves them. It makes more sense to have alcohol almost than coffee, I'd say. That's not even my alcoholic side.

AIDAN: Yeah, to preface, Max has been attending AA meetings recently. He's been trying to beat it, but he..

MAX: I can't. I'm drinking. You think it's you think there's a coffee I'm drinking right now? (I've been drinking coffee during this whole recording) Oh, you, uh. Yeah, you just got the illusion.

AIDAN: And on that note, I think we're going to end this.

THE END RESULTS

After Aidan and I's debate of the century, here's the final results for our movie theater snack tier list. Here's how we saw the categories:

(S) Elevates the theater experience. Practical. Bang-for-your buck. Above and beyond.

(A) Standard, classic snacks that hit best at the movies. Also chicken tenders

(B) Also great snacks, but just a bit less authentic for the experience. More likely a random pick of yours instead of a pre-meditated move.

(C) Subpar. Mid. Can be a good snack, but it's not ideal for the movie theater experience.

(D) Impractical for the theater experience. Loud, maybe even exuberant, but still tame.

(F) No shot you went out of your way to buy this at the theater.

OUTRO

This was the longest piece Aidan and I have ever done. If you made it this far, congratulations and thanks for sticking through it all. Aidan and I had a blast during our debate of the century. We now know we'll need a shorter tier list for next time.

Movie theater snacks are more than an edible accessory to the average film-goers experience. In the industry where business is prioritized over art (so more art can get made, and vice versa), it unfortunately makes sense why concessions are so expensive today. Are the prices egregious and evil? Sure.

Concession stands pay the bills much more than a movie ticket. While half of the profit from ticket sales go back to the studios, theaters are allowed to keep 100% of their concession margins. Marcus Theaters, the chain I'd go to in Omaha, makes about 44% of their total revenue from concessions. Cinemark's concessions make up 39% of its revenue, AMC's are 36%. 1/3 to 1/2 of your theater's profit comes from the snacks? Of course everything should be forty dollars!

The movie you pay twenty bucks to watch in theaters might change your life. But it might make you hate life like never before. Either way, you're more likely to go and watch that movie in the first place if there's some incentive along the way. So you go to the concession stand.

No matter the movie's end, you'll still be in life-threatening levels of debt thanks to that jumbo popcorn tub.